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Living to live life
it's all about the discoveries
Here and Now 
23rd-May-2011 01:35 pm(no subject)
It's curious as to why I didn't write an entry here while I was in Germany. Perhaps I was not inspired. Perhaps I didn't have a need to write my thoughts. Talking to people gets me thinking about new ideas. Maybe that's it. I doubt it though. I still talked to people there. Maybe I was distracted by being somewhere new and completely different. I know it's not that I have more time to think here. If anything I have more. The time is ticking. I need a job. I feel it's my turn to finally shine and make something of myself. I hope I don't let myself down again.
28th-Nov-2010 02:50 pm(no subject)
A bit overwhelmed. Everything seems to be happening at once. I don't know where to go first. What's important. I still wish I had more aspirations. I feel like I'll never know what I want to do. I want to know what it feels like to fight for something again. It's just one of those dark moments I have sometimes. I'll find the light again.
10th-Jun-2010 10:20 pm - Day 3
Is it weird that I feel closer to Kyle when I smoke cigarettes? I know I need to stop, but I feel it's my only tie to him now. It's such a strong reminder of him. I can't hear his voice anymore. I can't feel him. I can't hold him. I can't be with him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. That almost happened in Italy. His voice is so calming and comforting to me. Kyle called his mom yesterday and gave him his address. I didn't expect that until Sunday. I might start writing him soon. I'm so used to telling him everything. Whenever something happens, I want to grab my phone and call him. I told my Uncle Kevin today that I would just write down things I would normally tell him and put it in a letter. That way when I go to write him I have something to say and it's not all "I miss you" stuff.

Things I want to tell Kyle about:
- Finale of Glee - Journey
- Helping out a handicapped man at Publix yesterday
- Getting my brakes fixed for about $360
- I will be going to see the Karate Kid with his mom on Saturday morning
- Keeping up with Treasure Isle - gems and such

I can't decide if it's a bad thing that I haven't cried since Tuesday. I feel like it's surreal now. I miss him, but I don't feel like it's the end of the world right now. I don't know if that's right. I know if I were to tell Kyle that he would say that it's ok and probably a good thing. He wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, not doing anything. What I told my mom was that it may be because I've been around places that he's normally not at, like my apartment. I got upset Tuesday when his mom and sister went to go lay down and I was left by myself. I'm not normally by myself at his house. I felt like something was missing and that I shouldn't be there. Hopefully when I go there this weekend, it won't be so bad. I've got a few days by myself to rebuild myself behind me and Netflix will fill in the empty spaces. I'm also hoping that his mom will have a few projects for this weekend that I can do. Otherwise I don't really know what to do. I mean when Kyle's there it's not like we really do things, but when we do anything we do it together. We figure out something to do together. I feel lost when he's not there. I'm used to feeling like I have something to do when I'm at my apartment, but not usually at his house. Now that he's not there, I feel like I have to be doing something productive. I also feel it's more obvious that I'm not doing anything when he's not there. When he's there I feel like it's ok that I'm not doing anything because he's not. But alss, I feel like I'm rambling and I'm at work and Nelson gave me a task. So until next time that I feel like writing.
8th-Jun-2010 04:43 pm - Day one
I have work in two hours. I'm still at Kyle's. It's the first full day since Kyle left. I want to cry all the time. It really hurts. I'm trying to be strong. But my god I miss him like hell. I miss his voice, him taking care of me, thinking of me, calling me. I feel like who's going to look after me now? Who will carry me through? I have work to distract me, but it's not much. We have too much free time and my cart partners don't talk that much. The best thing for me is to talk to people about anything but the fact that Kyle's not here...I can barely write any of this. I thought writing it would make me face it and feel better but I'm fighting a huge lump in my throat right now. I don't know how I'm going to make it. I wonder if I'll ever get used to it. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I ache. I hate feeling like I have to find ways to waste time, just so it passes faster. I don't want to think about how much I miss him, but I want to do something remotely productive. All I want to do is watch movies, escape into that reality. Once the movie is over, though, I almost feel worse. I've got to keep myself surrounded by people. I feel a little crazy. I also feel sometimes when I'm with people my emotions try to overcome me and I feel it's worse to be fighting back tears in front of people. I don't want to be over dramatic. I just don't want that feeling of being alone to get to me too much. Because without him I feel like I have no one. Well no one that I'm that close with. Not one person I can tell everything to and who I turn to tell every stupid thing in my life. Who will I text? Kyle is a hard habit to break. I just want my baby back.
29th-May-2010 08:28 pm - change
It's a strange thing being old enough to see people around you change, even adults. I don't believe it's the fact that I'm seeing things differently because I'm older, but the fact that I've witnessed people change. Take my mom for instance. She's seemed to have gotten a bit lazier and I can see there is something that is deeply bothering her. While she has begun forgetting things quite easily and frequently, those aren't the changes I'm noticing. She seems sad like something's missing in her life. I know she misses me and my brother, but that's too easy to name as the only issue. What I don't think she understands or sees is the fact that I think she's forgotten how to live for herself. My dad isn't much help in all of this. He's too worn out from work to take the time to care. He's got problems of his own and they are dealing with them separately. I don't think this is a good idea. They only have each other at this point. They don't really have friends and most of our family is far away. Our family hasn't been that close and open and I can see this as being the root of many problems. We don't tell each other just how much we care or even how much we annoy each other. My mom is the queen of secrecy. I never can tell if she's telling the truth or trying to spare me with lies. My dad tells me how it is. Yeah half the things he says scares me and worries me, but growing up I think it would have helped to know a little of the truth around me. A lot of the time I feel the urge to go help my parents be happy and live better lives, but at the same time I feel like I have to live my own life and it should be their problem to deal with.

I wonder if I have my own place, completely, will it be as perfect as I plan it to be. Half my problems now deal with the fact that I have no control of the environment around me. I always see something wrong and how I would change it. That's why I worry about moving out of my apartment. Yeah, I complain about my roommates but at least I have some control. At my house I feel i would get annoyed too much with how the house is and how my mom does things. At Kyle's house, nothing gets cleaned regularly and there doesn't seem to be a place for anything. I always want to clean it because I'm here so often, but I don't know where to put anything. I mean I could find a spot for things, but that would mean I'd re-do everything and that would take like a week. And even then the house would be a mess in like two days because his mom has half a million projects she never finishes. I know I'm not perfect. Believe me, I have really low self-esteem. And I know the people I mentioned could name off a few things that I do that they don't agree with, but I'm just saying theses are the things that annoy me. And maybe I shouldn't care about these things because bigger things matter more, but when you're me, you criticize everything and organization is very high on my list of things that matter most to me.

I may not know what I want to do with my life, but I do know what I want to do with my house and how I want it to be. CLEAN and ORGANIZED and TASTEFULLY DECORATED. colorful, interesting, not cluttered, relaxing...
29th-Mar-2010 07:07 pm(no subject)
I can't shake the feeling that I'm not where I belong. I'm beginning to think that it's not the place that doesn't fit me, it's that I don't fit the place. I don't fit anywhere I go. I realize now that no matter how far I go, I can't escape myself. It's up to me to be happy where I am with who I am. yeah sure this is all great, but how do I change? This is my new challenge. I try every day to be a little bit different and not let my thoughts wander to dark, negative places. I try to be upbeat, for I have nothing really to be down about. I try not to take my own battles out on others. I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes I feel like it's difficult to be happy every day. Well, to be satisfied and positive every day. I find myself wanting, unfulfilled, jealous, envious, lonely, and stressed. I feel like I'm not up to the day. I feel like it's routine and nothing will surprise me in a good way. I like to feel like I have control over situations. This complicates things when I am trying to change my life and do things differently.

HOW do I change?

How do I learn to love my life?
13th-Jan-2010 04:54 pm(no subject)
Every once in a while I get this feeling of failure. I haven't really accomplished any of my goals or dreams. I almost never do what I say I'm going to do. I stopped taking pictures. I stopped sewing. I stopped creating. I never tried to be on the IM soccer team on campus. I never went out. I haven't made a bunch of friends I hang out with all the time. I don't dance any more. I can't remember the last time I laughed til it hurt. I haven't gone on a road trip. I never visited Leah. I don't go anywhere. I never learned French. It seems I've lost all passion in my life. I am no longer proud of who I am. I don't have a whole lot of confidence. I don't know what happened to me. Day to day I'm kind of happy, but in retrospect I'm headed nowhere. I feel like I can see 20-30 years down the road and I won't be where I wanted. I can't see myself being truly happy if my life keeps going the way it has. I wanted to be different. I wanted to save the planet. Now I just feel like I've faded into the background. I have a very limited social life. My life has no meaning. I need that bolt of lighting or that one wake up call that derails me off this path. I can't seem to get off on my own.
16th-Nov-2009 01:47 am - #1
I'm not being very smart or logical lately. I keep going with what I want to do as oppose to what I should be doing. I'm behind. Once again I have not studied properly for an exam. I'm worried. I need to get on my school work. I need to also start picking up shifts, if possible, because the bank of Dad is somewhat not available. I feel guilty asking them for money. I'm not working hard enough. As bad as it sounds, I need to stop going to Kyle's so much. I never get anything done there and I never want to leave. It's too much of a getaway. I really need to crack down and get on top of things. I've been behind this entire semester. I'm not doing what's really best for me. I don't know how to get my head in the game. I'm so distracted. I need to stop coming up with excuses. I need to sit down and hammer all this stuff out. There's only like three weeks of this semester left. All I know right now is that I'm exhausted at work with only one team. Ugh. I hate this, but I'm trying to get my head out of it so it doesn't bother me so much. Til next time.
13th-Nov-2009 11:03 am(no subject)
It's been awhile since I've posted on here. Well, it's been awhile since I've felt good enough to write on here. I like taking control of my life. I feel happier and like I'm living my life. I feel like me, ya know? Yesterday I decided it would be best if I graduated on time. I'm getting senioritus and I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. It's gotten to the point where I don't even care. It's not just that I don't want to do the work. It's also the fact that I sit in every class and feel like it's a waste of time. That's not good. I chose and paid for these classes. So, next semester I'll be in five classes for a grand total of 16 credits. I'm in four classes not at 14 credits. This I can handle because two of my classes are easy. That's not going to be the case next semester. kyle should be going into bootcamp and then training. So, I'll be wanting to be busy. I need a change. I need to get out of this college with all of these remorse. I care too much about Safe Team.
13th-Oct-2009 08:51 am - Thinking too much
I feel stretched out. I find myself longing to be somewhere else all the time. I actually felt myself being in the present time once recently. I was at Busch Gardens with Kyle and his mom. It was really relaxing having my mind in the present.

I feel like I have so much to do. I also feel like I keep having to do things that aren't really on my to-do list. Like I'm not doing what I really would like to be doing. I guess that's why I 'wasted' most of yesterday with cleaning, planting, and watching my Monday CBS shows. I should have been studying and writing my paper, but my mind was always somewhere else. What causes that?

I need a good night's sleep. I haven't had one since I can't remember. It's been at least four days. It's making me edgy and I suppose feeling like this. Scattered.

I feel like I have many lives as oppose to one. I have a life at my apartment. I have part of me at Kyle's. Then there's school. I still have a part of me at home. I don't feel like one person who goes from place to place. I feel like I have part of me in each of these places and I pick it back up when I'm there. I'm never full? Hmm. I don't have a grasp on myself. Not in that way. I think it has to do with not being present in the moment wherever I go.

At least I'm beginning to know what I want. I want to live with Kyle in our own place. I can see myself happy there. I get control and to be with the one I love.
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